I actually have two things that I wanted to share in this post. First, I tested for and received my black belt just over a week ago! It was and it wasn't a surprise to me. I've been pleased with my progress in training in the last months, but at the same time, there are so many things that I want to work on, I had thought that it might be months before I would be ready. That night was an interesting class. Despite struggling with a painful and distracting headache, I had a lot of fun. My sensai didn't announce ahead of time that I would be testing-he just called me over and started telling me to do various techniques with another student. I had a lot of trouble recognizing words, but my Aikido was very flowing. That's really the way I would want it to be. Generally, words come easy to me, and being in the moment is harder. That's why I'd rather struggle with language than movement.
My Shodan (black belt) isn't completely official yet. For one thing, I don't yet have a belt that is black. And along with two other students that were promoted to shodan at the same time, I'll be expected to demonstrate my competency for my sensai's sensai. I'm looking forward to it.
But what I really wanted to talk about are some recent thoughts on idealism and cynicism. Both the initial inspiration behind this and much of the vocabulary are not mine-they are the work of my sensai, Bert Bennett. A few weeks ago, I asked for a class centered on sensing possibilities and new directions in a non-martial context. (In my current position of having finished college and needing to define a new direction, this is not at all theoretical!) I found the resulting discussion of idealism and cynicism inspiring. My feelings run deep on this subject. It's a challenging topic for me, but one I've already found immensely rewarding.
When my sensai first brought up the terms, "idealism" and "cynicism", it was obvious to me the cynicism wasn't the right answer. But at the same time, I felt alienated from idealism. My instant reaction was to think that idealism was naive, impractical, something that ignored real conditions. There was a sense that idealism didn't, couldn't belong to me. It was something that applied to people that-what do they do exactly? This is worth examining. When we look closely at idealism, what is it?
Idealism is having a dream. It is believing in something strongly, wanting something passionately. It can exist and thrive in the real world, while recognizing real conditions and obstacles. And it isn't restricted to lofty and indistinct ideals. Idealism can be extremely concrete and detailed. It centers around a question: What do I want to give to the world?
That brings us to the other side of things, to cynicism. Cynicism is what exists in places where idealism doesn't. To put it another way, cynicism is what happens when we are hurt and discouraged, causing us to give up on idealism. What is a cynical viewpoint? It's one that looks at what could go wrong. It sees things as impossible and anticipates disappointment. All of these aspects have something in common. They are defense mechanisms against pain, developed from a time when we were hurt. That was the time our idealism was damaged.
This is a difficult topic for me because I feel alienated from my idealism even as I desire it. Some of my recent work in meditation has been to shift down through the layers in my own being in an attempt to discover my deepest ideals. I feel as if I have no firm foundation to return to. In my childhood, I can remember raw panic and conviction that the environment was poisoned and dying, but never a conviction of safety and health. What personal ideal waits for me, buried under fear and a conviction of impossibility?
I don't know. Peeling off the layers of cynicism and fear takes time. As I've meditated, I've found powerful answers. Each time, I sink deeper into the levels of buried experience. Will there be an ultimate answer for me? In one sense, it doesn't matter. Each layer, each experience, has been valuable.
More and more, I feel that idealism is a sense of excitement about being alive, a desire to give to the world.
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